A New Beginning. (No, for reals)

My name is Jessica. I'm generally a pretty punctual person but this year, when it came to resolutions, I was a bit late.  My first week of the New Year I spent back home gorging myself on all of the food that I had missed for the last year. I'm not going to say I regretted it, because food happens to be one of my favorite things in life.  But I do wish that I had not spent the last 6 months of my life pretty much devoid of exercise.

Background B.S. (skip ahead if you want, I won't judge you)

A little background - I have struggled with weight my entire life.  I remember a distinct instance when this problem became clear to my for the first time.  I was 11 years old, and I had been doing ballet since I was 3.   I was trying out for a part in the Nutcracker, and I worked my ass off in order to impress the teacher.  It was a group audition and one by one the instructor began telling each girl the good (or bad) news.  Finally, she came to my friend and I and dismissed everyone else.  I remember my mind buzzing, hoping hopelessly that we really must have impressed her.  I was horribly wrong.  Without hesitating, she said "Unless you both lose weight," she pauses to look us over for a moment, "like about 20 pounds, you will not have a part in this production." I was horrified. I remember nodding, trying to hold my composure, and then speed-walking out of the studio as fast as possible. As soon as I was in the clear, I began to weep.

I think its important to point out that I was never obese. I was just always a bit chunky.  I ended up quitting ballet when I was 13 (due to an injury), and up until I was 18 I never really exercised besides when I was being forced during P.E. (and boy, do I remember hating that class).  Once I began college and had a little extra time on my hands (I didn't have a job yet), I joined a gym and began going to some classes with my then-boyfriend's mother (she was a health nut).  I really enjoyed them because it was more fun than sitting on the elliptical for an hour, and I also began to truly discover what endorphins were all about.  Within a few months, I was dragging my then-boyfriend to Step classes three times a week and drinking 8 cups of "Sassy Water" a day.  I remember being hyped up on the idea of healthy living and trying to get everyone I lived with to follow suit.  When I began this process, I was about 158 pounds (height 5'4").

I had lost about 5 pounds when something disastrous occurred.  My then-boyfriend had a mental breakdown and was admitted into a hospital for a month, in a city over an hour away.  I was devastated and could barely go an hour without crying.  I had barely learned how to drive, and had never driven on the freeway before, but I insisted on driving out there 3x a week.  Worst of all, his parents blamed it on me.

Swung into a depression, I barely ate.  I lost about 15 pounds within 2 months.  Once the healing process began, I slowly began to reincorporate healthy eating and exercise.  About 6 months later, after moving a few hours away to attend University, I was about 138 pounds.  Over the next year, I continued to attend fitness classes and dropped down to 131 pounds. I was so proud of myself, and I was so close to my goal weight of 125.

Then summer happened. I had just turned 21, and my healthy lifestyle flew out the window.  I went to bars and happy hours, barely worked out, and I began working 2 jobs.  I also went on a cruise where I ate enough food for 5 people. Ever since, I've been terrified to look at the scale.  I convinced myself that I hadn't really gained all that much weight, maybe 5 pounds.

Where it Really Starts

Now its January, and I began working out again on the 7th (the first day of the new Quarter).  I did 3 days on the elliptical, but then I found a workout plan on Pinterest that I decided to give a try.  Before I began, I decided it'd probably be a good idea to take pictures and measurements so that I could track my progress.  Trying to be optimistic, I stepped on the scale.  The numbers made me gasp in horror.  I was back to my original weight of 158 pounds... all of that hard work for nothing.  I felt like crying. But there was no time for that.

I had to get my ass to the gym.

That number served as motivation. I can't let myself stay this way forever, and I can't keep using my responsibilities of work and school as excuses. I know no one else could really give a shit, but I have to do this for me.  The lazy lifestyle is an addiction, and its time I break the habit.

Hi, my name is Jessica and I am fat.

I love salty and creamy foods.  I live on my own, but I buy Costco size containers of sour cream because, if I wanted to, I could eat it by the spoonful.  I used to eat Chili Cheese Fries from Del Taco three days a week.  My absolute favorite fruit is avocado, and I could eat 3 in one sitting.  I am addicted to coffee.  I will never give up egg yolks.  I will never give up good taste.  Fact is, food is one of most prominent things in this world that makes me happy, and one of my favorite hobbies is cooking.

However, I am ready to make a change. I vow to treat my body better, through exercise and hydration.  I am writing this blog to keep myself in check, both publicly and personally.  

It doesn't have to be New Years to make a resolution.  I vow to make a lifestyle change, and I don't give a shit that I'm a week late.  The key to success is baby steps and, through gradual changes, I vow to change my life.